Hey Ya'll! For anyone still following this blog, I've started a new one.
Its completely different.
I have moved and call myself a farmHer now! :D So the new blog will follow more of a homesteader's journey.
In tonight's entry, Andrew fixes dinner :D.
Thank you all for supporting me always!
Heavenshiddenhomestead.com/blog
New Blog Here
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Ashes To Ashes
Why do the living insist on putting themselves through the self inflicted agony that funerals induce? I understand that we want to honor the deceased and need closure to their lives, but I wish we could find a less exhausting way to do that. When my work on earth is finished and the Almighty calls me home, I hope my family cremates my body and spreads my ashes at the ocean... at least I'll know they took a vacation that year. OK - bad joke.
Today, I attended the funeral of a woman that I barely knew. She was someone I considered family, but in 8 years she never even knew my name. My late husband spoke of his great-grandmother so highly that I longed to know her, but Alzheimer's took her away from her family (mentally) a couple years before I had the privilege of meeting her. This woman was a staple in my husband's childhood. She helped to raise him and was partially to thank for his Christianity. I've heard a million stories about this woman and spoken to her a hundred times, but I never really knew her. Still, I went to her funeral because of the many ways she affected my life.
As I entered the funeral home, I could see myself in a different life. I could feel every emotion that consumed me the day we buried Steven. Why did I insist on going into the same room where I once looked over my husband's dead body? Why did I sit down and glance across the room at a chair I once sat in? A chair that I could see myself sitting in almost two and a half years ago. I could see myself nine months pregnant, wearing a black skirt, and a widow's veil to cover the sleepless, swollen eyes of a terrified woman. I could see myself with my left hand raised high and my eyes closed, listening to a song willing my husband to "go rest high on that mountain" because "his work on earth was done". To everyone around me it probably looked like I was praying. But I wasn't praying. To pray, I would have had to think and at that moment the only thing I could think about was the lump in my throat and how I had to focus on taking breaths because that lump was so big that it was preventing me from inhaling. I wasn't praying. I wasn't even thinking. But I had my hand raised high; silently and unknowingly begging God to pick me up... to lift me up. All these emotions and memories on my mind as I listened to a eulogy about Steven's great grandmother and how she felt the exact same emotions when her husband passed away. She didn't think she could keep living. I knew that feeling too well.
In the last couple of years, I have found peace. I have learned to praise God for the good and to turn my back on the bad. I have learned to trust God in all ways. But I suppose, there will always be moments of sadness and times of trial...
"For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ, our Lord." -- Romans 6:23
Today, I attended the funeral of a woman that I barely knew. She was someone I considered family, but in 8 years she never even knew my name. My late husband spoke of his great-grandmother so highly that I longed to know her, but Alzheimer's took her away from her family (mentally) a couple years before I had the privilege of meeting her. This woman was a staple in my husband's childhood. She helped to raise him and was partially to thank for his Christianity. I've heard a million stories about this woman and spoken to her a hundred times, but I never really knew her. Still, I went to her funeral because of the many ways she affected my life.
As I entered the funeral home, I could see myself in a different life. I could feel every emotion that consumed me the day we buried Steven. Why did I insist on going into the same room where I once looked over my husband's dead body? Why did I sit down and glance across the room at a chair I once sat in? A chair that I could see myself sitting in almost two and a half years ago. I could see myself nine months pregnant, wearing a black skirt, and a widow's veil to cover the sleepless, swollen eyes of a terrified woman. I could see myself with my left hand raised high and my eyes closed, listening to a song willing my husband to "go rest high on that mountain" because "his work on earth was done". To everyone around me it probably looked like I was praying. But I wasn't praying. To pray, I would have had to think and at that moment the only thing I could think about was the lump in my throat and how I had to focus on taking breaths because that lump was so big that it was preventing me from inhaling. I wasn't praying. I wasn't even thinking. But I had my hand raised high; silently and unknowingly begging God to pick me up... to lift me up. All these emotions and memories on my mind as I listened to a eulogy about Steven's great grandmother and how she felt the exact same emotions when her husband passed away. She didn't think she could keep living. I knew that feeling too well.
In the last couple of years, I have found peace. I have learned to praise God for the good and to turn my back on the bad. I have learned to trust God in all ways. But I suppose, there will always be moments of sadness and times of trial...
"For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ, our Lord." -- Romans 6:23
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Letters to Heaven
 |
| October 15, 2011 |
Dear Steven,
I can't love you any more. Three years ago, today, we vowed to spend the rest of our lives together. You promised me, I promised you, and together we promised God to love each other until death do us part. On that cool October day, I knew that I would love you forever. When I looked into your eyes, I saw all of my dreams coming true. When you held my hand, I knew that you were the man I wanted to spend my whole life loving. On that day, I loved you more than I thought I could ever love, but I also knew that our love for each other would grow stronger as our lives progressed. On that day, I thought I couldn't love you more if I tried. And then a few months later we found out that I was pregnant and my love for you doubled in an instant. I expected it would always be that way. I expected that on the day of our baby's birth, I would love you more than on the day we got married. I expected that there would come a time in our marriage when we would have to fight for each other and when we overcame our marital challenges, I would love you more for working through them with me. I always expected that I would love you more every morning than I did the night before. But I was robbed of that opportunity. I will never be able to love you more than I did on the day that you died. On the day you met Jesus, I loved you more than I had ever loved before. But that was the end of the road for our love story. Nothing could ever make me love you more than I did on that day. And that leaves an ache in my heart that will never go away. But don't worry about me, my love, because God has this all figured out. In the most heartbreakingly beautiful way, I picked up loving Andrew when our love story ended. Today, I love him more than I ever knew my heart could love and tomorrow I will love him a little more.
Steven, I want you to know how much I miss you. I miss everything about you and I miss everything about us. I also want you to know that you will always be my hero. We fulfilled our commitments. Three years ago, we vowed to love each other until death do us part. You kept your promise and I kept mine. So, on the third Anniversary of our wedding day, I hope you understand that I can't love you any more...
But damnit, I can't love you any less either.
Forever your loving wife,
Caitlin
 |
| October 15, 2014 |
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Talking to Heaven
This week stamps a year and a half since Steven passed away. I cannot begin to count the ways that my life has changed; every dream has changed direction, every belief has been magnified. I have survived the unimaginable and I have overcome my biggest fears. With God's amazing grace, I continue to live. Because of my circumstances, I am able to live more fully than most people. I understand better than most, how fragile life is and what is truly important.
For those who have followed my story, you know that I have lost friendships along the way. People that I thought would always support me have betrayed me. Tonight, I was struggling with being let down by another one of my husband's close friends. As I was driving home, I found myself listening to Brantley Gilbert - My Faith In You (I encourage you to listen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Osv6pR6-5ys). Before I knew it, I was pulled over on the side of the road with my hands raised high, praising God and crying. I felt the desire to get out of the car - so I got out. I climbed a fence and ended up kneeling in a hayfield. I guess sometimes I get overwhelmed with emotion. The kind of overwhelmed that cannot be held in. I was talking and yelling and crying out to Heaven. Talking to my husband. I have always felt closest to him when the sky is big above me. I told him that I couldn't keep spinning my wheels, trying to keep everyone happy. I'm tired of worrying about who doesn't approve of my choices and I'm tired of justifying my every move. I'm tired of running Andrew here and there because everyone wants to spend time with HIS SON. My spirit is breaking.
It's something that is hard to explain, but there have been times in my life when I believe I could hear God talking to me. I believe I could hear Steven talking to me. Put me in a straight jacket if you want - but I've learned to listen when most people are busy trying to control their own lives instead of accepting God's will for them. Tonight was one of those times. I felt an unexplainable peace and I could hear Steven's voice. And in the stern way that he use to convince me, he said, "Andrew is not my son, he is our son. You're his mother and you know what needs to happen." And then, his voiced changed. It changed to a sadder side of Steven that few people knew existed. And I could hear him tell me I knew who was loyal to him while he was alive. I knew who always had his back and who disappointed him over and over again. I could hear him tell me, "you know who matters."
My destination has never been more clear. Steven told me everything that I needed to hear. It's time for me to stop trying to please everyone else and start pleasing me. I have a beautiful future laid out in front of me. I've fallen in love again; and with a man that I truly believe Steven would have been good friends with, had they ever had a chance to meet. Andrew has started blowing kisses to Daddy in Heaven. I'm making a difference in Coal Mine Safety. My life is good. And I'm prepared to burn the bridges that are no longer safe to walk across.
"'Cause I've been beaten. I've been broken. I've been dangerously bruised, And Lord I never would have made it, if I'd of lost my faith in you!" -Brantley Gilbert, lyrics
For those who have followed my story, you know that I have lost friendships along the way. People that I thought would always support me have betrayed me. Tonight, I was struggling with being let down by another one of my husband's close friends. As I was driving home, I found myself listening to Brantley Gilbert - My Faith In You (I encourage you to listen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Osv6pR6-5ys). Before I knew it, I was pulled over on the side of the road with my hands raised high, praising God and crying. I felt the desire to get out of the car - so I got out. I climbed a fence and ended up kneeling in a hayfield. I guess sometimes I get overwhelmed with emotion. The kind of overwhelmed that cannot be held in. I was talking and yelling and crying out to Heaven. Talking to my husband. I have always felt closest to him when the sky is big above me. I told him that I couldn't keep spinning my wheels, trying to keep everyone happy. I'm tired of worrying about who doesn't approve of my choices and I'm tired of justifying my every move. I'm tired of running Andrew here and there because everyone wants to spend time with HIS SON. My spirit is breaking.
It's something that is hard to explain, but there have been times in my life when I believe I could hear God talking to me. I believe I could hear Steven talking to me. Put me in a straight jacket if you want - but I've learned to listen when most people are busy trying to control their own lives instead of accepting God's will for them. Tonight was one of those times. I felt an unexplainable peace and I could hear Steven's voice. And in the stern way that he use to convince me, he said, "Andrew is not my son, he is our son. You're his mother and you know what needs to happen." And then, his voiced changed. It changed to a sadder side of Steven that few people knew existed. And I could hear him tell me I knew who was loyal to him while he was alive. I knew who always had his back and who disappointed him over and over again. I could hear him tell me, "you know who matters."
My destination has never been more clear. Steven told me everything that I needed to hear. It's time for me to stop trying to please everyone else and start pleasing me. I have a beautiful future laid out in front of me. I've fallen in love again; and with a man that I truly believe Steven would have been good friends with, had they ever had a chance to meet. Andrew has started blowing kisses to Daddy in Heaven. I'm making a difference in Coal Mine Safety. My life is good. And I'm prepared to burn the bridges that are no longer safe to walk across.
"'Cause I've been beaten. I've been broken. I've been dangerously bruised, And Lord I never would have made it, if I'd of lost my faith in you!" -Brantley Gilbert, lyrics
Sunday, December 1, 2013
I DID IT!
It's December 1st... I DID IT! I made it through a year without Steven. I have never felt more accomplished and independent and exhausted. In a year, I have learned how to be a widow, a new mother, a single mother, a messenger of the Lord, an optimist. I've allowed the bad days to make me better, not bitter. I have accomplished everything that I was determined to accomplish after Steven's accident. Losing Steven at such a young age taught me to live everyday to the fullest. When I wanted a new car, I bought one without a second thought. When I decided that I could no longer live in the home we had made our memories in, I found another for Andrew and I to make new memories in. When I wanted to vacation, I packed our bags and left on a whim. Every time we went to the store, Andrew got to pick out a new toy. Money can't buy happiness, but it's also useless sitting in the bank. I couldn't begin to count the days when I wondered when the money would run out, but I had also made myself a deal after the accident, to spend it lavishly; you see, Steven was conservative, he saved every penny, and let me be the first to tell you that it didn't do him any favors. He worked all the overtime he could get and often volunteered to work through vacation... and for what? A retirement he never saw? I say this to remind my followers, not to work your lives away. Spend as much time with your family as you can afford.
The one year mark has passed and I intend to be more responsible from this point forward; I'll start by paying off the debt I accrued this year, but I'm guessing Andrew will still get whatever he wants at the store. Also, don't bother robbing me, there's nothing left to take. ;)
I know that God has a big plan for me and I welcome His intentions with open arms. I'm going to focus on being a good Mother and wait for whatever comes next. And if what comes next is nothing more than Andrew and I, that will be alright, because though I may be young, I have lived a full life. I married the man of my dreams and for 410 days after that, I laid down with only him. I was a damn good wife and on the night that he died, I told him that I loved him one last time. Since then, I have given life to the most perfect combination of the two of us. I have laughed and loved. I have smoked and drank and gone to church on Sunday morning. I sing, dance, cuss, sin, and praise God every single day! My life is not easy, nor do I expect it ever will be. But without a doubt, my life has been full and I have been blessed!
With a tear in my eye tonight, I say this: You are only as happy as you choose to be. My heart aches everyday, but sometimes that's how I know it's still beating; that's how I know I'm alive! It is a reminder to live for the ones who can't anymore.
"Though she be but little, she is fierce!" -William Shakespeare
The one year mark has passed and I intend to be more responsible from this point forward; I'll start by paying off the debt I accrued this year, but I'm guessing Andrew will still get whatever he wants at the store. Also, don't bother robbing me, there's nothing left to take. ;)
I know that God has a big plan for me and I welcome His intentions with open arms. I'm going to focus on being a good Mother and wait for whatever comes next. And if what comes next is nothing more than Andrew and I, that will be alright, because though I may be young, I have lived a full life. I married the man of my dreams and for 410 days after that, I laid down with only him. I was a damn good wife and on the night that he died, I told him that I loved him one last time. Since then, I have given life to the most perfect combination of the two of us. I have laughed and loved. I have smoked and drank and gone to church on Sunday morning. I sing, dance, cuss, sin, and praise God every single day! My life is not easy, nor do I expect it ever will be. But without a doubt, my life has been full and I have been blessed!
With a tear in my eye tonight, I say this: You are only as happy as you choose to be. My heart aches everyday, but sometimes that's how I know it's still beating; that's how I know I'm alive! It is a reminder to live for the ones who can't anymore.
"Though she be but little, she is fierce!" -William Shakespeare
Monday, November 18, 2013
Guardian Angels
I've thought about blogging on this topic a hundred times, but I never wanted to upset my followers. I've always believed in guardian Angels, but I have never believed that Steven was my guardian Angel. Stay with me on this one... it's something I've struggled with since he passed away, but tonight my beliefs have been challenged.
It's difficult for me to believe that our loved ones watch over us from Heaven. If Heaven is a place where there is no pain and no suffering; if it's a place where we spend eternity in peace, how could our loved ones watch over us and not be sad? Since the second that I learned of Steven's death, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Andrew was and always would be my guardian Angel. In the days following the tragedy, he gave me a reason to stay calm. He brought to me a superpower. Giving birth to a healthy child was far bigger and far more important than mourning. After his birth, he needed (and always will need) me to be a strong and graceful role model. Since then, I've met other people who seem to watch over me - Angels walking on earth, dressed as ordinary people, but I could never bring myself to believe that Steven or anyone other than God, was looking down on me from Heaven.
The last few months, I haven't been able to feel Steven the way others do. I now realize that I haven't wanted to. I've wanted to get on with my life. I know I can never forget what happened, but I was so focused on moving forward that I stopped welcoming the memories. On Saturday, I went to visit Steven for the first time since the funeral. I needed to talk to him. I asked him only to help me, believing for the first time that he could. And tonight he did. I was sitting in my car and I saw a shooting star. The first shooting star I ever saw was with Steven, just before he was deployed to Iraq. The stars became an important symbol in our relationship. When I saw the shooting star tonight, I felt Steven. And I realized, after he died, I saw a shooting star, at his friend's birthday party last weekend, I saw 5 shooting stars in one night.... 5. How could I have missed it? He was there. He's been here all along. I just haven't been looking...
Do I believe now that Steven is my guardian Angel? I'm truly not sure. But I absolutely believe that someone is looking out for me; maybe it's my loving husband, maybe it's my loving God. One thing is for sure, I'm going to work a little harder at allowing Heaven back into my daily life and allowing the love of Heaven to guide me.
"I've seen an met Angels, wearing the disguise of ordinary people living ordinary lives!" -- Tracy Chapman
It's difficult for me to believe that our loved ones watch over us from Heaven. If Heaven is a place where there is no pain and no suffering; if it's a place where we spend eternity in peace, how could our loved ones watch over us and not be sad? Since the second that I learned of Steven's death, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Andrew was and always would be my guardian Angel. In the days following the tragedy, he gave me a reason to stay calm. He brought to me a superpower. Giving birth to a healthy child was far bigger and far more important than mourning. After his birth, he needed (and always will need) me to be a strong and graceful role model. Since then, I've met other people who seem to watch over me - Angels walking on earth, dressed as ordinary people, but I could never bring myself to believe that Steven or anyone other than God, was looking down on me from Heaven.
The last few months, I haven't been able to feel Steven the way others do. I now realize that I haven't wanted to. I've wanted to get on with my life. I know I can never forget what happened, but I was so focused on moving forward that I stopped welcoming the memories. On Saturday, I went to visit Steven for the first time since the funeral. I needed to talk to him. I asked him only to help me, believing for the first time that he could. And tonight he did. I was sitting in my car and I saw a shooting star. The first shooting star I ever saw was with Steven, just before he was deployed to Iraq. The stars became an important symbol in our relationship. When I saw the shooting star tonight, I felt Steven. And I realized, after he died, I saw a shooting star, at his friend's birthday party last weekend, I saw 5 shooting stars in one night.... 5. How could I have missed it? He was there. He's been here all along. I just haven't been looking...
Do I believe now that Steven is my guardian Angel? I'm truly not sure. But I absolutely believe that someone is looking out for me; maybe it's my loving husband, maybe it's my loving God. One thing is for sure, I'm going to work a little harder at allowing Heaven back into my daily life and allowing the love of Heaven to guide me.
"I've seen an met Angels, wearing the disguise of ordinary people living ordinary lives!" -- Tracy Chapman
Monday, September 30, 2013
Is it dementia? Or is it a heartache?
I've been thinking a lot today about time. Time is a funny thing and I realized today that I really have no concept of it. We spend much of our lives looking at the clock and scheduling our days, but for what reason? It's been 10 months since Steven passed away, I'm not even sure how long that is. November 30th - a date that will haunt me forever, but it's nothing more than a number on the calendar. And when I think back to that day it's nothing more than a blur. I don't remember who I talked to on the phone or who sent me a message on Facebook. It's just a day. A number. It's just a bad memory. Someone compared my confusion with time to dementia. There is no better way to describe it. I have many memories built up in my mind, but the time in which they happened is foggy. Andrew is now 9 months old. How did this happen? When did he get so big?
In the days following Steven's death, I tore my house apart looking for letters that Steven had written me, a Valentines Day card, a request from the grocery store.... anything! Unfortunately, I've never been an overly sentimental person and I use to throw everything away. I could only find one letter.. one out of hundreds. Remember that Steven was overseas for a year, so there was no shortage of letters. Yet, I could only find one. Last week, the good Lord blessed me more than I ever knew was possible. Not with possessions or anything of monetary value, but with two more letters that I will hold close to my heart forever. Two letters that had been stashed over the years and lost among old bills and paperwork. Tonight I'd like to share one of them with you:
Caitlin,
I was thinking of this letter yesterday when I was hunting. I wanted to write it then, but I didn't have any paper or pen. I was thinking about you and us being married, how strange life turns out and how we are gaining the start of the typical American Dream. We don't get to spend the amount of time we'd like too together, but we still have a good time when we get a chance, I guess destiny is real afterall, we never planned on being where we are in Jan 2007, but it happened regardless. I know I pick on you and get agitated from time to time about your "unique" way of doing things, but deep down that's what makes me love you, without you I may still own this house and my possessions, but I'd never have the home we do now, you make everything worthwhile, I love you very much and I really do appreciate all you do for me.
Love you always
Steven
"But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." - 2Peter 3:8
In the days following Steven's death, I tore my house apart looking for letters that Steven had written me, a Valentines Day card, a request from the grocery store.... anything! Unfortunately, I've never been an overly sentimental person and I use to throw everything away. I could only find one letter.. one out of hundreds. Remember that Steven was overseas for a year, so there was no shortage of letters. Yet, I could only find one. Last week, the good Lord blessed me more than I ever knew was possible. Not with possessions or anything of monetary value, but with two more letters that I will hold close to my heart forever. Two letters that had been stashed over the years and lost among old bills and paperwork. Tonight I'd like to share one of them with you:
Caitlin,
I was thinking of this letter yesterday when I was hunting. I wanted to write it then, but I didn't have any paper or pen. I was thinking about you and us being married, how strange life turns out and how we are gaining the start of the typical American Dream. We don't get to spend the amount of time we'd like too together, but we still have a good time when we get a chance, I guess destiny is real afterall, we never planned on being where we are in Jan 2007, but it happened regardless. I know I pick on you and get agitated from time to time about your "unique" way of doing things, but deep down that's what makes me love you, without you I may still own this house and my possessions, but I'd never have the home we do now, you make everything worthwhile, I love you very much and I really do appreciate all you do for me.
Love you always
Steven
"But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." - 2Peter 3:8
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)