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| October 15, 2011 |
Dear Steven,
I can't love you any more. Three years ago, today, we vowed to spend the rest of our lives together. You promised me, I promised you, and together we promised God to love each other until death do us part. On that cool October day, I knew that I would love you forever. When I looked into your eyes, I saw all of my dreams coming true. When you held my hand, I knew that you were the man I wanted to spend my whole life loving. On that day, I loved you more than I thought I could ever love, but I also knew that our love for each other would grow stronger as our lives progressed. On that day, I thought I couldn't love you more if I tried. And then a few months later we found out that I was pregnant and my love for you doubled in an instant. I expected it would always be that way. I expected that on the day of our baby's birth, I would love you more than on the day we got married. I expected that there would come a time in our marriage when we would have to fight for each other and when we overcame our marital challenges, I would love you more for working through them with me. I always expected that I would love you more every morning than I did the night before. But I was robbed of that opportunity. I will never be able to love you more than I did on the day that you died. On the day you met Jesus, I loved you more than I had ever loved before. But that was the end of the road for our love story. Nothing could ever make me love you more than I did on that day. And that leaves an ache in my heart that will never go away. But don't worry about me, my love, because God has this all figured out. In the most heartbreakingly beautiful way, I picked up loving Andrew when our love story ended. Today, I love him more than I ever knew my heart could love and tomorrow I will love him a little more.
Steven, I want you to know how much I miss you. I miss everything about you and I miss everything about us. I also want you to know that you will always be my hero. We fulfilled our commitments. Three years ago, we vowed to love each other until death do us part. You kept your promise and I kept mine. So, on the third Anniversary of our wedding day, I hope you understand that I can't love you any more...
But damnit, I can't love you any less either.
Forever your loving wife,
Caitlin
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| October 15, 2014 |
This week stamps a year and a half since Steven passed away. I cannot begin to count the ways that my life has changed; every dream has changed direction, every belief has been magnified. I have survived the unimaginable and I have overcome my biggest fears. With God's amazing grace, I continue to live. Because of my circumstances, I am able to live more fully than most people. I understand better than most, how fragile life is and what is truly important.
For those who have followed my story, you know that I have lost friendships along the way. People that I thought would always support me have betrayed me. Tonight, I was struggling with being let down by another one of my husband's close friends. As I was driving home, I found myself listening to Brantley Gilbert - My Faith In You (I encourage you to listen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Osv6pR6-5ys). Before I knew it, I was pulled over on the side of the road with my hands raised high, praising God and crying. I felt the desire to get out of the car - so I got out. I climbed a fence and ended up kneeling in a hayfield. I guess sometimes I get overwhelmed with emotion. The kind of overwhelmed that cannot be held in. I was talking and yelling and crying out to Heaven. Talking to my husband. I have always felt closest to him when the sky is big above me. I told him that I couldn't keep spinning my wheels, trying to keep everyone happy. I'm tired of worrying about who doesn't approve of my choices and I'm tired of justifying my every move. I'm tired of running Andrew here and there because everyone wants to spend time with HIS SON. My spirit is breaking.
It's something that is hard to explain, but there have been times in my life when I believe I could hear God talking to me. I believe I could hear Steven talking to me. Put me in a straight jacket if you want - but I've learned to listen when most people are busy trying to control their own lives instead of accepting God's will for them. Tonight was one of those times. I felt an unexplainable peace and I could hear Steven's voice. And in the stern way that he use to convince me, he said, "Andrew is not my son, he is our son. You're his mother and you know what needs to happen." And then, his voiced changed. It changed to a sadder side of Steven that few people knew existed. And I could hear him tell me I knew who was loyal to him while he was alive. I knew who always had his back and who disappointed him over and over again. I could hear him tell me, "you know who matters."
My destination has never been more clear. Steven told me everything that I needed to hear. It's time for me to stop trying to please everyone else and start pleasing me. I have a beautiful future laid out in front of me. I've fallen in love again; and with a man that I truly believe Steven would have been good friends with, had they ever had a chance to meet. Andrew has started blowing kisses to Daddy in Heaven. I'm making a difference in Coal Mine Safety. My life is good. And I'm prepared to burn the bridges that are no longer safe to walk across.
"'Cause I've been beaten. I've been broken. I've been dangerously bruised, And Lord I never would have made it, if I'd of lost my faith in you!" -Brantley Gilbert, lyrics
