After the funeral, I was 9 months pregnant and all alone. Left with an empty house in the middle of God's country, I realized quickly that it was in my best interest to move closer to my family. I packed up the important stuff; documents, pictures, and everything of financial worth. Since then, I have been back only a handful of times. Tonight I sit on the front porch of a house I once called home and write this entry. I came back to pack up the rest of our belongings and to clean up, in hopes of selling. I realize now why I haven't been here. It isn't because I don't have time, though I have been convincing myself and everyone else that's the reason. It's because I'm angry. For a while I thought I might have skipped over the anger phase of grief for the most part. Sure, I've had my moments, but over all I haven't been angry. I was wrong. I've only learned to avoid the anger. But, unlike most grievers, I am not angry with God. I'm angry with Steven...
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| 2011 |
My yard has become a hayfield, because the man who mows the grass hasn't been here. There are trees down, because the chainsaw master hasn't been around. My kitchen smells empty, because I have no one to cook for. The bedroom where I once made love to my husband, in hopes of growing our family, has nothing in it but a bed frame. Steven left me with this mess, but more than that, he left me with broken dreams.
Have you ever noticed how much your mind wanders when you're alone and in complete silence? Yesterday, I found myself thinking that I could probably siphon enough gas out of the four-wheeler to burn the house down and just walk away. Today, I looked around and then looked to the sky and asked God,"Why, me?" SCARY! I've never been one to question God's plan! One thing is for sure, I have to face reality and sell the house. Knowing that it is the place my anger stems from, I need to walk away from it and never look back. Steven and I made many beautiful memories in this house, but the house itself is nothing more than an earthly possession. I carry the memories in my heart and wherever I go, they will follow.
"He who angers you, conquers you." -Elizabeth Kenny
Oh Caity, this is part of the healing, the anger, but it made me cry to think of you there alone… facing your demons and yet it all has to be part of "the process"…. Grief causes much more than sorrow and anger is one of the hardest to admit as well as to face and conquer. You've made great strides, and I am so proud of the young lady I see. Chin up, and keep that beautiful smile on your face. Andrew needs to see it everyday, and so does Steven as he watches over both of you. Love you Caitybird!!
ReplyDeleteI don't know you but I feel compelled to post on your blog. You are a beautiful, talented young lady with a handsome little fella.......keep your memories of Steven close but don't forget to occaisionally focus on Caity too. I can't even begin to imagine how it would feel to walk in your shoes for one day. Chin up......God's plan may not seem to make sense now, but someday it will :)
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