Today marks 6 months since Steven passed away. It feels like so much longer. If I had no way to tell time or count days, I would guess it's been years. So much has changed in my life since he died. In the days following the accident I had only one consistent thought, "I have a baby to focus on. I must have a healthy baby". Nothing else mattered. Andrew kept me focused. He kept me moving forward. He is still blessing me with that same focus six months later. Every day I wake up and I thank God for another day with him. It's the first blessing I count in the morning and the last blessing I count at night. I no longer take my life for granted. I may not have everything I want, but I am blessed beyond measure. Andrew is the inspiration behind everything I do. I bought a new house. One that I can see him growing up in. A house with a beautiful view of the mountains and river. A house full of windows and sunlight. A house that I see us being very happy in. I intend to sell the home Steven and I made. It's not something I want to do. It's something I have to do. Being in that house only brings me agony. Andrew and I have gone on a few vacations together where we laughed and played and took a million pictures. I intend to start a nonprofit support group to help families who lose loved ones in the future. God has put a wonderful man in my life. A man whose faith is as strong as mine. A man who welcomes me to talk about Steven. He listens when I need to talk and understands that I miss my husband everyday. He's good to my Son and that, in itself, is more than I ever expected to find. In fact, I didn't find him. I assumed there would never be anyone who would willing come into our lives and accept my long list of non-negotiables, but God sent him to me. I've fallen head over heals for him and I cannot begin to explain why. I've been blessed with in-laws who support my journey, though I would understand if they couldn't. Together Steven and God gave us these things and for that I will be eternally grateful. I always knew that Andrew and I would be alright, but now I know that we will be more than alright. We are going to continue moving forward and smiling through every struggle. We will do this, because I choose happiness and I believe with every ounce of my soul that God will show Andrew the way, just as he has showed me. More than anything, Steven has given me an incredible faith. He has brought me closer to God. He has saved me.
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; and she laughs without fear of the future." - Proverbs 31:25
I've waited all evening, and like always, leaving this page in tears, however, the last few blogs have brought happy tears. I'm so happy for you and so humbled.Your faith has really opened a window in my heart when I had closed the door. I know that probably wasn't your idea when you started this, but the pure strength you show is so empowering. God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers & you lady, are a general. I have no doubt you have led others through a rough time, even if you aren't aware. <3
ReplyDeleteJer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future
ReplyDeleteThank you, Anonymous! I share only truth. I hide nothing, knowing that the only way I can help another is by leading with pure honesty. Though, sometimes, it may not be what they want to hear.
ReplyDeleteSometimes leaving the past behind seems like the hardest thing to do but at the same time the one thing that will drag you down while everything and everyone else around you moves forward. I believe that Steven has brought this new man into your life, someone he can see you experience a long life with and a man who can teach his son the things he would have taught him because he is not selfish, in fact he is still looking out for you as your protector. Some people may not understand Caitlin, but you have been dealt a hand that no one should have to go through, that in itself is punishment enough. We cannot change the past but we can say enough, today is the day I will start the rest of my life, the day I live for my son and myself, and remind yourself that although you wish circumstances were different, that you and your son deserve happiness just as much as the rest of us. Never feel guilty of that. You have shown just how strong of a woman you are and can be for Andrew. Even though at times you may disagree, you are still here...fighting and determined not to let life knock you down anymore. To me that is amazing strength. Steven will never be far from your side but knows that life and love should be shared. Everything happens for a reason and sounds like this man was placed in your life for a purpose. I am so happy for Andrew and you, be happy, live life to the fullest and screw what anyone negative person has to say. Until they have walked even the slightest footstep in your shoes, then they have no room to pass judgment on your life!
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