As of today, I have now reviewed and analyzed both the State and Federal accident reports, the ambulance report and the autopsy. As difficult as it was to relive Steven's final moments, I am glad I did. I finally feel at peace. I am no longer left to wait for answers. I have all of the answers that I will ever have. I know now that if Steven suffered, it wasn't for long. I also know how I can get more involved to help families, similar to mine, in the future.
This week has been eye opening for me. I can feel God pushing me in the direction that he wants me to go and I am taking the path without hesitation. I have realized that moving on with my life doesn't mean that I love Steven any less. It's just something that I have to do for myself and for our son. I have been praying hard for the Lord to show me the way and to make it obvious enough that I cannot miss it. He is doing just that. I couldn't sleep one night and was fighting with something that one of the reports said (I wish I could explain, but I cant). So, to pass the time, I started looking through my phone at old photos. Right there, in front of me, was the answer I needed. A picture that I didn't remember taking, of a section of mine safety law. There has been no shortage of these occurrences. About a month after the accident, I received a handwritten letter in the mail from someone I hadn't seen since high school. The letter was beautifully written and I have been carrying it around with me ever since. I couldn't pinpoint why, but the letter seemed to bring hope on even the worst days. Last week, I ran into this person. As I said before, I hadn't seen him in 7 years or more. I do not believe in coincidence. I believe completely that God reunited us. Don't misunderstand me, I am not ready to jump back into the dating pool, but he has given me hope. Hope that I wont be alone for the rest of my life. Hope that God doesn't expect me to be. Hope that there is a man out there who could accept my past, understand that I will always love Steven, and acknowledge that he will forever be a part of our lives. Hope that there is still room in my heart for happiness.
Every day I turn a new page in the book of life and every day I learn something new about myself. I'm blessed beyond measure. And though my life may not be turning out the way I had once planned, it is turning out the way God intended.
"Just because Fate doesn't deal you the right cards, it doesn't mean you should give up. It means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential." - Les Brown
Caitlin... you do deserve to be happy... and to love again... it will never mean you love Steven less, it's called living... God will give you always what you need, maybe not what you thought you'd have or even what you think you need. You were blessed to have what you had with Steven ... precious memories will always hold your heart. You are a strong and loving person and your heart can hold lots of love. Be thankful always and find happiness and love... good luck always to you.
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