Manipulating time

I've been avoiding my blog for a few weeks now, mostly because I don't have much to say. Most days I just feel empty and when I do have something to say it's not positive. I've always had an optimistic personality, so when my cup starts getting empty, I don't really know how to handle it. I've been trying really hard to channel my anger and emotion in a positive proactive direction - doing things I enjoy and getting my house in order. Andrew and I went on vacation to Florida with my family and though I thought I was getting away from the grief, I actually wasn't. It became more of a reminder of the things Steven is missing. I'm also trying to let my mind wander more - whereas, before, I avoided my thoughts as much as possible. I've been thinking a lot about my time with Steven, as a whole. I've gone through the motions of our relationship; the ups, the downs, the break ups, the deployment. I started thinking, if I could go back and change anything, would I? If I could manipulate the past, would I? After playing around with these thoughts for a couple weeks, I decided the answer is yes. Let me first say that it takes more vulnerability to put the following thought on paper than anyone could ever imagine:
Steven knew that I loved him. He knew that I was happy. He knew that I supported him, that I trusted him, that I admired him, and that I respected him. He knew that my biggest aspiration in life was to be a good wife and mother and that I looked forward to the family we were starting. We fought hard, but we loved hard too. Our battles made us stronger and even though we spent time apart, the distance would later become a reminder that we could conquer the world together.
I wouldn't go back and reassure him of any of that, because he knew. I wouldn't trade the ups and downs, because they gave us an unbreakable bond.
I'm sure someone is wondering, would I give up my life to save his? It pains me to say no. This is a battle I fight everyday, because as much as I want to say yes, it simply isn't the truth. I was pregnant. To give up my life would mean giving up Andrew's too and as much as I loved Steven, I love our baby so much more.
But, if I could manipulate time, I would. I would have been there when he took his final breath. I would have been by his side. I would have held his hand. I would have prayed with him one last time. He wouldn't have been alone.

"People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives."  - J. Michael Straczynski