On Sunday, I recorded the season premier of Army Wives, and just finished watching it. If you have never watched the series, it is brutally heart wrenching at times. This particular episode was all about the death of the General's Wife. Needless to say, I struggled through it. When the General and his daughter were sent to view the body for the first time, I thought I was going to be sick. It brought out emotions that I thought I had smothered, like a flame without oxygen. It brought up tears that I didn't think I had left. My mind instantly went back to when I saw Steven's lifeless body for the first time. The funeral director put his hand on the small of my back and led me into the room. Instant agony. I have never felt pain like that. My heart felt like it was being ripped apart, shredded even. My body felt so heavy that I couldn't lift my foot to move forward. All I wanted to do was vomit, to scream, to hit something. I put my hand on Steven's hand and it was as cold and as hard as the wedding band on his finger. When the director brought in Steven's grandmother and sister, I had to leave the room. Cari screamed the most blood-curdling scream I have ever heard. She kept screaming, "No! No!" All I wanted to do was run. I wanted to go home and crawl in bed next to my husband, but I knew he wasn't there. I had just seen him. I had touched him. He was never going to be in our bed again.
A friend on facebook shared my blog a while back, calling me a "real-life wonder woman," She was wrong. I'm just like everyone else. I hurt and I cry. I go outside at night and I talk to the sky, even though I know he can't hear me. I lay in bed and ask God, "why?" even though I know I'm not suppose to. I show our Son pictures of his father and wonder how in the hell I am ever going to make this okay for him. I pray that God will give me every ounce of his pain, so that he will never have to feel it.
I just don't show that vulnerability in public. In fact, I rarely show it anywhere other than this blog. I simply don't want to talk about it. It hurts too much. Not to mention, most people don't know what to say to me anyway. Awkward. Here's the thing: I don't need people to feel sorry for me. I don't need a pat on the back. I need to feel normal.
"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." -Kenji Miyazawa
Wow, this blog has left me with tears rolling down my face. once again, I can't imagine how you feel. your son will probably want to see pictures of his daddy eventually, the only thing you can do is try to explain the way his daddy was and the things he enjoyed. I have a feeling you and your son will cry together eventually. he will be strong for you just like you are strong for him. <3 he will be mommy's protector! I still pray for you two, I pray that you find way to explain Steven to Andrew, I pray that Andrew will understand that you are the best mother they he could ever have. most of all, I pray that both of you find strength in each other to pull through the coming events, holidays and other special occasions! <3
ReplyDeleteAs I always say on my post I ppost, I don't know you but would love to meet you,cause to me you are a gracious women whom i do look up too...you give me strength to know if this ever happens to me, I know I could carry on because you give me that strength..Also God will give you the strength you need to help baby Andrew coupe with not having a father and I know it will be extremely hard for you when that time will come! But, with you, as his mommy, I hope he has the strength you do have.. that's why us coal-mining wives look up to you.. not that you had to go to through this terrible tragedy but if one day it happens to us...we can always look at you and say "she had the strength to carry on in his memory so can't we" <3
ReplyDeleteSometimes the truth can hurt as much as the pain that you went through... but the emptiness for now is your normal... you'll have a new normal now... cause it will never be as it was... in time you may come to accept, may even go a few hours longer and not have it cross you mind... but my darling beautiful brave little Caitlin, things won't ever be normal again. But the good side, things will get better... you and that precious baby will have a bond that all mother's and son's have, his daddy will live on through every memory you share with him. I see his little face in all the pictures you post and I see a lot of Steven there but I see a lot of you as well. He'll change his looks a hundred times but always he'll be the best of you both.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to ever understand the reasons for senseless tragedies as Steven's, yet the fight you put forth in his behalf for all the miners may save many lives down the road. Your story should be told on every news channel in the mining states and the world needs to know of this blog...
You are on my mind, in my heart and always in my prayers...
Caity,
ReplyDeleteThe pain you feel IS normal…. and so are you.. there's pain and then there is real pain… losing someone close in your heart is the real pain that we never wish someone else to suffer through… but while it never disappears, one day you will realize you have learned to live with it, move on in life, and know it's there waiting for a weak moment, a memory to thrust it back on you, or just a smile to remind you of the wonderful times you shared and the love between you.
I feel Andrew will know his Daddy through you and all who knew and loved him… he'll be a strong young man who will respect his mother for the person he is… the important thing is to take care of yourself, so you can best take care of him….
Love you Caity.
In love and dreams there are no impossibilities... hold fast to that sunshine, he is always with you and Andrew.
ReplyDeleteI have been debating for awhile whether or not I should write you but I just want you to know I think of you often and how hard this must be for you. We don't know each other but my deepest sympathy is with you. I read all your blogs and I bawl everytime. What you are going through has always been one of my nightmares with my husband. Everytime he leaves for work I think the worst of what could happen. I have always been like that but knowing that it has happened to you and at a mine close to where my husband works makes me cherish the time I have even more. From what I see and read, you are very strong to me! I think of what I would do if something did happen and it wouldn't even be close to how strong you are. I look up to you and I am so sorry this happened. Just know that Steven is always with you and baby Andrew. I also have no doubt that Steven met his baby boy, held him, and gave him hugs and kisses before he entered this world. Thoughts and prayers are always with you! <3
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