"Thanks for the Privilege!"

It’s been a while since I had to get up and start my day with the sunrise. I forgot how beautiful the world is in the morning, but as always I start my day thinking of Steven. This week has been more difficult than most, though I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the effects of my birthday and the death of yet another miner. I know that I have been in denial and I believe that I’m starting to come out of that phase of grief. I knew it would happen sooner or later and I have expected that one day it would hit me like a ton of bricks that Steven is gone. Forever. I also expected that it would break me. I’ve been spending more “me-time” lately, going out with friends and doing things that I enjoy, but it never fails; on my way home, I feel guilty. It’s hard to explain, but I almost feel like I shouldn’t be having fun. It’s like when I am carrying on, laughing, and enjoying my life, I am somehow doing an injustice to my marriage and to Steven’s memory. I know I can’t feel this way, but I do.

This morning I have been thinking about Steven’s morning routine. Now remember, that his morning was about 6:00pm, because he worked night shift most of the time. Every evening when he woke up I would fix him a cup of coffee. Usually, I fixed his breakfast, but ALWAYS the coffee. He would go straight to the couch when he woke up and I would deliver his coffee cup to him... always the black mug, because coffee tastes different in a white mug. Did you know? He used to jokingly tell me to thank him for the privilege and I would. I miss those quirks. More than anything, I miss that stupid coffee mug. Every single day, he would leave for work and that coffee mug would still be sitting on the end table. I know he did it just to irritate me. I told him once that if he died before I did, I would miss that damned coffee mug. I just didn't expect to miss it so soon. It's ironic to think that I knew, even then, that I would miss it. And I do. I wish I could tell him, just one more time, "Thank you for the privilege, Honey!" and then of course, whisper under my breath, "pain in the ass..."

"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breath, to think, to enjoy, to love."  - Marcus Aurelius