Stage 2

It’s official, I moved passed denial and ran head first into anger. Actually, I’m not angry. I’m more than angry, I am pissed off!

Tonight, I read Andrew a story from a children’s parables book. The story was based on the Parable of the Persistent Widow; Luke 18: 1-8. I should have known better. I should have skipped it and gone on to the next. The story was about a little girl whose father dies and she prays that God will send her a new father. We finished the story and as always, I grabbed Steven’s picture, we said our prayers, and told Daddy goodnight. It was then that I realized the picture is of Steven’s head on my pregnant belly and that is as close as he ever got to Andrew. It was then that I realized Andrew will never know the sound of his Father’s voice or see the look on his Father’s face when he was determined to figure something out. I lost my cool, not because I was sad, but because I was angry. I just don’t understand why.

The people around me have noticed this change. I know this, because I keep getting the fifth degree. I also know the exact moment when the denial turned to anger. It was Saturday night, I was out having a few drinks with some friends for my birthday. It was closing time, the DJ started playing slow, sad, country music and I went to the bar to retrieve my tab. There, I bumped into someone I hadn’t seen or talked to in a few years, someone who did not know the hell I have been through. He asked how I’d been? I told him I had a new baby and pulled out a picture to brag. He asked why I tensed up? If I tensed up, I didn't notice. While pointing to the picture, I said, “His Daddy died. I don’t want to talk about it.” and I left the bar. My girlfriend later told me that she knew something had happened, she just didn’t know what. I haven’t been the same since. I’m not sure why though. I don’t know why that was the mind altering moment. I cried all the way home and continued crying when I got there. It took nearly an hour for me to get myself together to go pick up my son.

Needless to say, I have spent the majority of this week with my nose in the Bible. I keep hoping - and praying- that somewhere, I will find the answers I need. I feel my faith taking a hit, so I push myself to keep reading. I bought a book called “When Women Walk Alone” and all it has done is piss me off further. It basically says that when women are left alone, it is so their relationship with the Lord can prosper. I hope my Christian friends can forgive me for this: But, what a load of crap! Our relationship is not prospering, I am fighting to keep the relationship! So, I ordered a devotional journal that was written specifically for a Widow, by a Widow. There is no other way to describe what I am feeling - just angry! A little bit angry for me, but mostly angry for Andrew. If there is one thing that I learned from tonight’s Parable, however, it’s that if I keep praying, God will answer. He may not answer as quickly as I’d like, but eventually, he will answer.

Excess of grief for the dead is madness; for it is an injury to the living, and the dead know it not. -Xenophon