Milestones and HOPE

I realized something today: If not for rain, we wouldn't have flowers.

Steven would have turned 28 years old today. It also marks 5 months since Jesus called him home. 151 days since I last hugged my best friend. 3,648.5 hours since I last saw his smile. Today has been a milestone.

Despite the agony these numbers have brought, I learned something. The day started out gloomy, looking like rain with no sun in sight, but as it progressed the sun began to shine and temperatures hit 76 degrees. I love spring. It's a time of renewal and hope for a beautiful tomorrow. Caterpillars become butterflies and behind every fence, there are baby animals finding their feet. The old saying says, "April showers bring May flowers". Isn't this the true spirit of hope?? Though it may rain today, the sun could shine tomorrow. The same is true in times of tribulation. Today may be the worse day of my life, but if I can just get through it, tomorrow might be the best. Looking back on the days following Steven's death, I now understand how important it is to hold onto hope. Steven passed away on November 30, 2012 - it was the worst day of my life. But, I kept moving forward and exactly 3 weeks later, our Son was born - which will forever be the best day of my life. I'm learning to appreciate the rain and to HOPE for a more beautiful tomorrow!

"Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." - Joseph Addison

We Remember!

 

After weeks of planning and nearly $1,500.00, Steven's Memorial Celebration was an absolute success! Going into the idea of "celebrating Steven's life" was tough, but it had to be done. I know many still have not come to terms with the ugly truth that he's gone and for this reason we expected that his birthday would be devastating. When one of Steven's family member's said to me, "Steven's Birthday is coming up." I knew that I had to throw him an amazing party and I had to make sure the tears were kept at a minimum. He loved to be with his family and friends, he loved to be outdoors, and he loved to eat - so that's were I started planning.



Happy Birthday, Daddy!

I rented a bounce house for the children, made plans for my Dad to man the grill, and his family helped to make the potatoes, baked beans, hot dog chili, and macaroni salad. My mom ordered a beautiful cake and his friends brought the beer! After dinner, everyone was given a balloon and permanent markers were passed around. Some of us told Steven happy birthday, some of us told him we missed him, and some of his buddies drew pictures (though I wont go into detail on that). When all were finished, we sent the balloons to Heaven. It was a beautiful sight and I would imagine that everyone who saw it experienced a mix of emotions. Releasing the balloons was the hardest part of the day, for me. Andrew and I said, "We love you, Daddy" and the words burned straight through my soul. It's strange how one minute I can be strong, happy, and full of life, but with 3 words that can all change and suddenly I've never felt more fragile.

Thank God for Steven's friends though, they must have noticed the tension and next think I know they are shooting rifles and everyone is gathered around watching. As it started to get dark, the boys started a bonfire and the drinking began. Everyone who came, left with a t-shirt and a key chain that said, "In Loving Memory of Steven O'Dell" with his picture.


Steven's amazing friends! And even more amazing wife...

I think if Steven could have seen us, he would have been proud! And if he could have been there, he would have had a blast! I'm very thankful that I planned the party and that everyone attended despite thier anxiety about it. It was nice to have everyone together and even nicer to see so many smiles.

Money well spent. Time well wasted. Memories worth making!






Manipulating time

I've been avoiding my blog for a few weeks now, mostly because I don't have much to say. Most days I just feel empty and when I do have something to say it's not positive. I've always had an optimistic personality, so when my cup starts getting empty, I don't really know how to handle it. I've been trying really hard to channel my anger and emotion in a positive proactive direction - doing things I enjoy and getting my house in order. Andrew and I went on vacation to Florida with my family and though I thought I was getting away from the grief, I actually wasn't. It became more of a reminder of the things Steven is missing. I'm also trying to let my mind wander more - whereas, before, I avoided my thoughts as much as possible. I've been thinking a lot about my time with Steven, as a whole. I've gone through the motions of our relationship; the ups, the downs, the break ups, the deployment. I started thinking, if I could go back and change anything, would I? If I could manipulate the past, would I? After playing around with these thoughts for a couple weeks, I decided the answer is yes. Let me first say that it takes more vulnerability to put the following thought on paper than anyone could ever imagine:
Steven knew that I loved him. He knew that I was happy. He knew that I supported him, that I trusted him, that I admired him, and that I respected him. He knew that my biggest aspiration in life was to be a good wife and mother and that I looked forward to the family we were starting. We fought hard, but we loved hard too. Our battles made us stronger and even though we spent time apart, the distance would later become a reminder that we could conquer the world together.
I wouldn't go back and reassure him of any of that, because he knew. I wouldn't trade the ups and downs, because they gave us an unbreakable bond.
I'm sure someone is wondering, would I give up my life to save his? It pains me to say no. This is a battle I fight everyday, because as much as I want to say yes, it simply isn't the truth. I was pregnant. To give up my life would mean giving up Andrew's too and as much as I loved Steven, I love our baby so much more.
But, if I could manipulate time, I would. I would have been there when he took his final breath. I would have been by his side. I would have held his hand. I would have prayed with him one last time. He wouldn't have been alone.

"People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives."  - J. Michael Straczynski