This week stamps a year and a half since Steven passed away. I cannot begin to count the ways that my life has changed; every dream has changed direction, every belief has been magnified. I have survived the unimaginable and I have overcome my biggest fears. With God's amazing grace, I continue to live. Because of my circumstances, I am able to live more fully than most people. I understand better than most, how fragile life is and what is truly important.
For those who have followed my story, you know that I have lost friendships along the way. People that I thought would always support me have betrayed me. Tonight, I was struggling with being let down by another one of my husband's close friends. As I was driving home, I found myself listening to Brantley Gilbert - My Faith In You (I encourage you to listen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Osv6pR6-5ys). Before I knew it, I was pulled over on the side of the road with my hands raised high, praising God and crying. I felt the desire to get out of the car - so I got out. I climbed a fence and ended up kneeling in a hayfield. I guess sometimes I get overwhelmed with emotion. The kind of overwhelmed that cannot be held in. I was talking and yelling and crying out to Heaven. Talking to my husband. I have always felt closest to him when the sky is big above me. I told him that I couldn't keep spinning my wheels, trying to keep everyone happy. I'm tired of worrying about who doesn't approve of my choices and I'm tired of justifying my every move. I'm tired of running Andrew here and there because everyone wants to spend time with HIS SON. My spirit is breaking.
It's something that is hard to explain, but there have been times in my life when I believe I could hear God talking to me. I believe I could hear Steven talking to me. Put me in a straight jacket if you want - but I've learned to listen when most people are busy trying to control their own lives instead of accepting God's will for them. Tonight was one of those times. I felt an unexplainable peace and I could hear Steven's voice. And in the stern way that he use to convince me, he said, "Andrew is not my son, he is our son. You're his mother and you know what needs to happen." And then, his voiced changed. It changed to a sadder side of Steven that few people knew existed. And I could hear him tell me I knew who was loyal to him while he was alive. I knew who always had his back and who disappointed him over and over again. I could hear him tell me, "you know who matters."
My destination has never been more clear. Steven told me everything that I needed to hear. It's time for me to stop trying to please everyone else and start pleasing me. I have a beautiful future laid out in front of me. I've fallen in love again; and with a man that I truly believe Steven would have been good friends with, had they ever had a chance to meet. Andrew has started blowing kisses to Daddy in Heaven. I'm making a difference in Coal Mine Safety. My life is good. And I'm prepared to burn the bridges that are no longer safe to walk across.
"'Cause I've been beaten. I've been broken. I've been dangerously bruised, And Lord I never would have made it, if I'd of lost my faith in you!" -Brantley Gilbert, lyrics
