I've been thinking a lot today about time. Time is a funny thing and I realized today that I really have no concept of it. We spend much of our lives looking at the clock and scheduling our days, but for what reason? It's been 10 months since Steven passed away, I'm not even sure how long that is. November 30th - a date that will haunt me forever, but it's nothing more than a number on the calendar. And when I think back to that day it's nothing more than a blur. I don't remember who I talked to on the phone or who sent me a message on Facebook. It's just a day. A number. It's just a bad memory. Someone compared my confusion with time to dementia. There is no better way to describe it. I have many memories built up in my mind, but the time in which they happened is foggy. Andrew is now 9 months old. How did this happen? When did he get so big?
In the days following Steven's death, I tore my house apart looking for letters that Steven had written me, a Valentines Day card, a request from the grocery store.... anything! Unfortunately, I've never been an overly sentimental person and I use to throw everything away. I could only find one letter.. one out of hundreds. Remember that Steven was overseas for a year, so there was no shortage of letters. Yet, I could only find one. Last week, the good Lord blessed me more than I ever knew was possible. Not with possessions or anything of monetary value, but with two more letters that I will hold close to my heart forever. Two letters that had been stashed over the years and lost among old bills and paperwork. Tonight I'd like to share one of them with you:
Caitlin,
I was thinking of this letter yesterday when I was hunting. I wanted to write it then, but I didn't have any paper or pen. I was thinking about you and us being married, how strange life turns out and how we are gaining the start of the typical American Dream. We don't get to spend the amount of time we'd like too together, but we still have a good time when we get a chance, I guess destiny is real afterall, we never planned on being where we are in Jan 2007, but it happened regardless. I know I pick on you and get agitated from time to time about your "unique" way of doing things, but deep down that's what makes me love you, without you I may still own this house and my possessions, but I'd never have the home we do now, you make everything worthwhile, I love you very much and I really do appreciate all you do for me.
Love you always
Steven
"But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." - 2Peter 3:8
