It's December 1st... I DID IT! I made it through a year without Steven. I have never felt more accomplished and independent and exhausted. In a year, I have learned how to be a widow, a new mother, a single mother, a messenger of the Lord, an optimist. I've allowed the bad days to make me better, not bitter. I have accomplished everything that I was determined to accomplish after Steven's accident. Losing Steven at such a young age taught me to live everyday to the fullest. When I wanted a new car, I bought one without a second thought. When I decided that I could no longer live in the home we had made our memories in, I found another for Andrew and I to make new memories in. When I wanted to vacation, I packed our bags and left on a whim. Every time we went to the store, Andrew got to pick out a new toy. Money can't buy happiness, but it's also useless sitting in the bank. I couldn't begin to count the days when I wondered when the money would run out, but I had also made myself a deal after the accident, to spend it lavishly; you see, Steven was conservative, he saved every penny, and let me be the first to tell you that it didn't do him any favors. He worked all the overtime he could get and often volunteered to work through vacation... and for what? A retirement he never saw? I say this to remind my followers, not to work your lives away. Spend as much time with your family as you can afford.
The one year mark has passed and I intend to be more responsible from this point forward; I'll start by paying off the debt I accrued this year, but I'm guessing Andrew will still get whatever he wants at the store. Also, don't bother robbing me, there's nothing left to take. ;)
I know that God has a big plan for me and I welcome His intentions with open arms. I'm going to focus on being a good Mother and wait for whatever comes next. And if what comes next is nothing more than Andrew and I, that will be alright, because though I may be young, I have lived a full life. I married the man of my dreams and for 410 days after that, I laid down with only him. I was a damn good wife and on the night that he died, I told him that I loved him one last time. Since then, I have given life to the most perfect combination of the two of us. I have laughed and loved. I have smoked and drank and gone to church on Sunday morning. I sing, dance, cuss, sin, and praise God every single day! My life is not easy, nor do I expect it ever will be. But without a doubt, my life has been full and I have been blessed!
With a tear in my eye tonight, I say this: You are only as happy as you choose to be. My heart aches everyday, but sometimes that's how I know it's still beating; that's how I know I'm alive! It is a reminder to live for the ones who can't anymore.
"Though she be but little, she is fierce!" -William Shakespeare
