My Testimony of Faith

It's hard to believe Steven has been gone just over 8 months now. For much of his family, it seems like he just stopped by to visit yesterday, but for me it seems like he's been away for many years. Maybe because I'm so much closer to his absence than they are. I spent every day with him and they saw him 3 times a week. Never-the-less, Andrew and I are well! We've been to revival several times this week with the gentleman I've been seeing. And as revivals go, I am on fire for the Lord! Tonight, God laid it on my heart to stand up and tell my story, so I did as he told me to! I realized however, that everyone needs to hear my testimony! Maybe this is God's purpose for my life?

My name is Caitlin and 8 months ago I lost my husband in a tragic accident. I was 9 months pregnant and I could have given up on God. I could have washed my hands of religion and given up, but I DIDN'T. Instead, I got down on my knees and I prayed. I prayed hard! I asked God for help. I begged him to give me what I needed to keep moving. I told him that I wanted to trust in him, but I didn't know how. If you don't know the power of prayer, let me be the first to tell you it works. He answered my prayers that evening and he continues to answer every day. I had lost my will to live. But now, with God's amazing grace, I wake up every morning and I am so thankful to be alive. I praise God for another day on Earth to protect my baby boy. Every morning I am reminded that this is God's plan for my life and that it is my job, as his messenger, to stand up and tell the world what my God has done for me. He took my husband, but he also gave me a beautiful baby boy.... and bigger than that, he sent Jesus Christ to die (a brutal death) for me! I'm nobody, just a sinner. But my God loves me so much that he sent his only Son to die for me, so that I will one day get to see my husband again... so that one day, my innocent baby boy will get to meet his wonderful father and live in eternal peace with him! It doesn't get any better than that! My God is awesome!

If you haven't met my God, I challenge you to talk to him. He knows your heart and he'll give you what you need, but first you'll have to ask.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." -John 3:16

Moving Day

After the funeral, I was 9 months pregnant and all alone. Left with an empty house in the middle of God's country, I realized quickly that it was in my best interest to move closer to my family. I packed up the important stuff; documents, pictures, and everything of financial worth. Since then, I have been back only a handful of times. Tonight I sit on the front porch of a house I once called home and write this entry. I came back to pack up the rest of our belongings and to clean up, in hopes of selling. I realize now why I haven't been here. It isn't because I don't have time, though I have been convincing myself and everyone else that's the reason. It's because I'm angry. For a while I thought I might have skipped over the anger phase of grief for the most part. Sure, I've had my moments, but over all I haven't been angry. I was wrong. I've only learned to avoid the anger. But, unlike most grievers, I am not angry with God. I'm angry with Steven...


2011

My yard has become a hayfield, because the man who mows the grass hasn't been here. There are trees down, because the chainsaw master hasn't been around. My kitchen smells empty, because I have no one to cook for. The bedroom where I once made love to my husband, in hopes of growing our family, has nothing in it but a bed frame. Steven left me with this mess, but more than that, he left me with broken dreams.

Have you ever noticed how much your mind wanders when you're alone and in complete silence? Yesterday, I found myself thinking that I could probably siphon enough gas out of the four-wheeler to burn the house down and just walk away. Today, I looked around and then looked to the sky and asked God,"Why, me?" SCARY! I've never been one to question God's plan! One thing is for sure, I have to face reality and sell the house. Knowing that it is the place my anger stems from, I need to walk away from it and never look back. Steven and I made many beautiful memories in this house, but the house itself is nothing more than an earthly possession. I carry the memories in my heart and wherever I go, they will follow.

"He who angers you, conquers you." -Elizabeth Kenny