Counting Blessings!

Today marks 6 months since Steven passed away. It feels like so much longer. If I had no way to tell time or count days, I would guess it's been years. So much has changed in my life since he died. In the days following the accident I had only one consistent thought, "I have a baby to focus on. I must have a healthy baby". Nothing else mattered. Andrew kept me focused. He kept me moving forward. He is still blessing me with that same focus six months later. Every day I wake up and I thank God for another day with him. It's the first blessing I count in the morning and the last blessing I count at night. I no longer take my life for granted. I may not have everything I want, but I am blessed beyond measure. Andrew is the inspiration behind everything I do. I bought a new house. One that I can see him growing up in. A house with a beautiful view of the mountains and river. A house full of windows and sunlight. A house that I see us being very happy in. I intend to sell the home Steven and I made. It's not something I want to do. It's something I have to do. Being in that house only brings me agony. Andrew and I have gone on a few vacations together where we laughed and played and took a million pictures. I intend to start a nonprofit support group to help families who lose loved ones in the future. God has put a wonderful man in my life. A man whose faith is as strong as mine. A man who welcomes me to talk about Steven. He listens when I need to talk and understands that I miss my husband everyday. He's good to my Son and that, in itself, is more than I ever expected to find. In fact, I didn't find him. I assumed there would never be anyone who would willing come into our lives and accept my long list of non-negotiables, but God sent him to me. I've fallen head over heals for him and I cannot begin to explain why. I've been blessed with in-laws who support my journey, though I would understand if they couldn't. Together Steven and God gave us these things and for that I will be eternally grateful. I always knew that Andrew and I would be alright, but now I know that we will be more than alright. We are going to continue moving forward and smiling through every struggle. We will do this, because I choose happiness and I believe with every ounce of my soul that God will show Andrew the way, just as he has showed me. More than anything, Steven has given me an incredible faith. He has brought me closer to God. He has saved me.

"She is clothed with strength and dignity; and she laughs without fear of the future."  - Proverbs 31:25

Coincidence? I think not.

As of today, I have now reviewed and analyzed both the State and Federal accident reports, the ambulance report and the autopsy. As difficult as it was to relive Steven's final moments, I am glad I did. I finally feel at peace. I am no longer left to wait for answers. I have all of the answers that I will ever have. I know now that if Steven suffered, it wasn't for long. I also know how I can get more involved to help families, similar to mine, in the future.
This week has been eye opening for me. I can feel God pushing me in the direction that he wants me to go and I am taking the path without hesitation. I have realized that moving on with my life doesn't mean that I love Steven any less. It's just something that I have to do for myself and for our son. I have been praying hard for the Lord to show me the way and to make it obvious enough that I cannot miss it. He is doing just that. I couldn't sleep one night and was fighting with something that one of the reports said (I wish I could explain, but I cant). So, to pass the time, I started looking through my phone at old photos. Right there, in front of me, was the answer I needed. A picture that I didn't remember taking, of a section of mine safety law. There has been no shortage of these occurrences. About a month after the accident, I received a handwritten letter in the mail from someone I hadn't seen since high school. The letter was beautifully written and I have been carrying it around with me ever since. I couldn't pinpoint why, but the letter seemed to bring hope on even the worst days. Last week, I ran into this person. As I said before, I hadn't seen him in 7 years or more. I do not believe in coincidence. I believe completely that God reunited us. Don't misunderstand me, I am not ready to jump back into the dating pool, but he has given me hope. Hope that I wont be alone for the rest of my life. Hope that God doesn't expect me to be. Hope that there is a man out there who could accept my past, understand that I will always love Steven, and acknowledge that he will forever be a part of our lives. Hope that there is still room in my heart for happiness.
Every day I turn a new page in the book of life and every day I learn something new about myself. I'm blessed beyond measure. And though my life may not be turning out the way I had once planned, it is turning out the way God intended.

"Just because Fate doesn't deal you the right cards, it doesn't mean you should give up. It means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential."  - Les Brown