My Testimony of Faith

It's hard to believe Steven has been gone just over 8 months now. For much of his family, it seems like he just stopped by to visit yesterday, but for me it seems like he's been away for many years. Maybe because I'm so much closer to his absence than they are. I spent every day with him and they saw him 3 times a week. Never-the-less, Andrew and I are well! We've been to revival several times this week with the gentleman I've been seeing. And as revivals go, I am on fire for the Lord! Tonight, God laid it on my heart to stand up and tell my story, so I did as he told me to! I realized however, that everyone needs to hear my testimony! Maybe this is God's purpose for my life?

My name is Caitlin and 8 months ago I lost my husband in a tragic accident. I was 9 months pregnant and I could have given up on God. I could have washed my hands of religion and given up, but I DIDN'T. Instead, I got down on my knees and I prayed. I prayed hard! I asked God for help. I begged him to give me what I needed to keep moving. I told him that I wanted to trust in him, but I didn't know how. If you don't know the power of prayer, let me be the first to tell you it works. He answered my prayers that evening and he continues to answer every day. I had lost my will to live. But now, with God's amazing grace, I wake up every morning and I am so thankful to be alive. I praise God for another day on Earth to protect my baby boy. Every morning I am reminded that this is God's plan for my life and that it is my job, as his messenger, to stand up and tell the world what my God has done for me. He took my husband, but he also gave me a beautiful baby boy.... and bigger than that, he sent Jesus Christ to die (a brutal death) for me! I'm nobody, just a sinner. But my God loves me so much that he sent his only Son to die for me, so that I will one day get to see my husband again... so that one day, my innocent baby boy will get to meet his wonderful father and live in eternal peace with him! It doesn't get any better than that! My God is awesome!

If you haven't met my God, I challenge you to talk to him. He knows your heart and he'll give you what you need, but first you'll have to ask.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." -John 3:16

Moving Day

After the funeral, I was 9 months pregnant and all alone. Left with an empty house in the middle of God's country, I realized quickly that it was in my best interest to move closer to my family. I packed up the important stuff; documents, pictures, and everything of financial worth. Since then, I have been back only a handful of times. Tonight I sit on the front porch of a house I once called home and write this entry. I came back to pack up the rest of our belongings and to clean up, in hopes of selling. I realize now why I haven't been here. It isn't because I don't have time, though I have been convincing myself and everyone else that's the reason. It's because I'm angry. For a while I thought I might have skipped over the anger phase of grief for the most part. Sure, I've had my moments, but over all I haven't been angry. I was wrong. I've only learned to avoid the anger. But, unlike most grievers, I am not angry with God. I'm angry with Steven...


2011

My yard has become a hayfield, because the man who mows the grass hasn't been here. There are trees down, because the chainsaw master hasn't been around. My kitchen smells empty, because I have no one to cook for. The bedroom where I once made love to my husband, in hopes of growing our family, has nothing in it but a bed frame. Steven left me with this mess, but more than that, he left me with broken dreams.

Have you ever noticed how much your mind wanders when you're alone and in complete silence? Yesterday, I found myself thinking that I could probably siphon enough gas out of the four-wheeler to burn the house down and just walk away. Today, I looked around and then looked to the sky and asked God,"Why, me?" SCARY! I've never been one to question God's plan! One thing is for sure, I have to face reality and sell the house. Knowing that it is the place my anger stems from, I need to walk away from it and never look back. Steven and I made many beautiful memories in this house, but the house itself is nothing more than an earthly possession. I carry the memories in my heart and wherever I go, they will follow.

"He who angers you, conquers you." -Elizabeth Kenny

Counting Blessings!

Today marks 6 months since Steven passed away. It feels like so much longer. If I had no way to tell time or count days, I would guess it's been years. So much has changed in my life since he died. In the days following the accident I had only one consistent thought, "I have a baby to focus on. I must have a healthy baby". Nothing else mattered. Andrew kept me focused. He kept me moving forward. He is still blessing me with that same focus six months later. Every day I wake up and I thank God for another day with him. It's the first blessing I count in the morning and the last blessing I count at night. I no longer take my life for granted. I may not have everything I want, but I am blessed beyond measure. Andrew is the inspiration behind everything I do. I bought a new house. One that I can see him growing up in. A house with a beautiful view of the mountains and river. A house full of windows and sunlight. A house that I see us being very happy in. I intend to sell the home Steven and I made. It's not something I want to do. It's something I have to do. Being in that house only brings me agony. Andrew and I have gone on a few vacations together where we laughed and played and took a million pictures. I intend to start a nonprofit support group to help families who lose loved ones in the future. God has put a wonderful man in my life. A man whose faith is as strong as mine. A man who welcomes me to talk about Steven. He listens when I need to talk and understands that I miss my husband everyday. He's good to my Son and that, in itself, is more than I ever expected to find. In fact, I didn't find him. I assumed there would never be anyone who would willing come into our lives and accept my long list of non-negotiables, but God sent him to me. I've fallen head over heals for him and I cannot begin to explain why. I've been blessed with in-laws who support my journey, though I would understand if they couldn't. Together Steven and God gave us these things and for that I will be eternally grateful. I always knew that Andrew and I would be alright, but now I know that we will be more than alright. We are going to continue moving forward and smiling through every struggle. We will do this, because I choose happiness and I believe with every ounce of my soul that God will show Andrew the way, just as he has showed me. More than anything, Steven has given me an incredible faith. He has brought me closer to God. He has saved me.

"She is clothed with strength and dignity; and she laughs without fear of the future."  - Proverbs 31:25

Coincidence? I think not.

As of today, I have now reviewed and analyzed both the State and Federal accident reports, the ambulance report and the autopsy. As difficult as it was to relive Steven's final moments, I am glad I did. I finally feel at peace. I am no longer left to wait for answers. I have all of the answers that I will ever have. I know now that if Steven suffered, it wasn't for long. I also know how I can get more involved to help families, similar to mine, in the future.
This week has been eye opening for me. I can feel God pushing me in the direction that he wants me to go and I am taking the path without hesitation. I have realized that moving on with my life doesn't mean that I love Steven any less. It's just something that I have to do for myself and for our son. I have been praying hard for the Lord to show me the way and to make it obvious enough that I cannot miss it. He is doing just that. I couldn't sleep one night and was fighting with something that one of the reports said (I wish I could explain, but I cant). So, to pass the time, I started looking through my phone at old photos. Right there, in front of me, was the answer I needed. A picture that I didn't remember taking, of a section of mine safety law. There has been no shortage of these occurrences. About a month after the accident, I received a handwritten letter in the mail from someone I hadn't seen since high school. The letter was beautifully written and I have been carrying it around with me ever since. I couldn't pinpoint why, but the letter seemed to bring hope on even the worst days. Last week, I ran into this person. As I said before, I hadn't seen him in 7 years or more. I do not believe in coincidence. I believe completely that God reunited us. Don't misunderstand me, I am not ready to jump back into the dating pool, but he has given me hope. Hope that I wont be alone for the rest of my life. Hope that God doesn't expect me to be. Hope that there is a man out there who could accept my past, understand that I will always love Steven, and acknowledge that he will forever be a part of our lives. Hope that there is still room in my heart for happiness.
Every day I turn a new page in the book of life and every day I learn something new about myself. I'm blessed beyond measure. And though my life may not be turning out the way I had once planned, it is turning out the way God intended.

"Just because Fate doesn't deal you the right cards, it doesn't mean you should give up. It means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential."  - Les Brown

Milestones and HOPE

I realized something today: If not for rain, we wouldn't have flowers.

Steven would have turned 28 years old today. It also marks 5 months since Jesus called him home. 151 days since I last hugged my best friend. 3,648.5 hours since I last saw his smile. Today has been a milestone.

Despite the agony these numbers have brought, I learned something. The day started out gloomy, looking like rain with no sun in sight, but as it progressed the sun began to shine and temperatures hit 76 degrees. I love spring. It's a time of renewal and hope for a beautiful tomorrow. Caterpillars become butterflies and behind every fence, there are baby animals finding their feet. The old saying says, "April showers bring May flowers". Isn't this the true spirit of hope?? Though it may rain today, the sun could shine tomorrow. The same is true in times of tribulation. Today may be the worse day of my life, but if I can just get through it, tomorrow might be the best. Looking back on the days following Steven's death, I now understand how important it is to hold onto hope. Steven passed away on November 30, 2012 - it was the worst day of my life. But, I kept moving forward and exactly 3 weeks later, our Son was born - which will forever be the best day of my life. I'm learning to appreciate the rain and to HOPE for a more beautiful tomorrow!

"Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." - Joseph Addison

We Remember!

 

After weeks of planning and nearly $1,500.00, Steven's Memorial Celebration was an absolute success! Going into the idea of "celebrating Steven's life" was tough, but it had to be done. I know many still have not come to terms with the ugly truth that he's gone and for this reason we expected that his birthday would be devastating. When one of Steven's family member's said to me, "Steven's Birthday is coming up." I knew that I had to throw him an amazing party and I had to make sure the tears were kept at a minimum. He loved to be with his family and friends, he loved to be outdoors, and he loved to eat - so that's were I started planning.



Happy Birthday, Daddy!

I rented a bounce house for the children, made plans for my Dad to man the grill, and his family helped to make the potatoes, baked beans, hot dog chili, and macaroni salad. My mom ordered a beautiful cake and his friends brought the beer! After dinner, everyone was given a balloon and permanent markers were passed around. Some of us told Steven happy birthday, some of us told him we missed him, and some of his buddies drew pictures (though I wont go into detail on that). When all were finished, we sent the balloons to Heaven. It was a beautiful sight and I would imagine that everyone who saw it experienced a mix of emotions. Releasing the balloons was the hardest part of the day, for me. Andrew and I said, "We love you, Daddy" and the words burned straight through my soul. It's strange how one minute I can be strong, happy, and full of life, but with 3 words that can all change and suddenly I've never felt more fragile.

Thank God for Steven's friends though, they must have noticed the tension and next think I know they are shooting rifles and everyone is gathered around watching. As it started to get dark, the boys started a bonfire and the drinking began. Everyone who came, left with a t-shirt and a key chain that said, "In Loving Memory of Steven O'Dell" with his picture.


Steven's amazing friends! And even more amazing wife...

I think if Steven could have seen us, he would have been proud! And if he could have been there, he would have had a blast! I'm very thankful that I planned the party and that everyone attended despite thier anxiety about it. It was nice to have everyone together and even nicer to see so many smiles.

Money well spent. Time well wasted. Memories worth making!






Manipulating time

I've been avoiding my blog for a few weeks now, mostly because I don't have much to say. Most days I just feel empty and when I do have something to say it's not positive. I've always had an optimistic personality, so when my cup starts getting empty, I don't really know how to handle it. I've been trying really hard to channel my anger and emotion in a positive proactive direction - doing things I enjoy and getting my house in order. Andrew and I went on vacation to Florida with my family and though I thought I was getting away from the grief, I actually wasn't. It became more of a reminder of the things Steven is missing. I'm also trying to let my mind wander more - whereas, before, I avoided my thoughts as much as possible. I've been thinking a lot about my time with Steven, as a whole. I've gone through the motions of our relationship; the ups, the downs, the break ups, the deployment. I started thinking, if I could go back and change anything, would I? If I could manipulate the past, would I? After playing around with these thoughts for a couple weeks, I decided the answer is yes. Let me first say that it takes more vulnerability to put the following thought on paper than anyone could ever imagine:
Steven knew that I loved him. He knew that I was happy. He knew that I supported him, that I trusted him, that I admired him, and that I respected him. He knew that my biggest aspiration in life was to be a good wife and mother and that I looked forward to the family we were starting. We fought hard, but we loved hard too. Our battles made us stronger and even though we spent time apart, the distance would later become a reminder that we could conquer the world together.
I wouldn't go back and reassure him of any of that, because he knew. I wouldn't trade the ups and downs, because they gave us an unbreakable bond.
I'm sure someone is wondering, would I give up my life to save his? It pains me to say no. This is a battle I fight everyday, because as much as I want to say yes, it simply isn't the truth. I was pregnant. To give up my life would mean giving up Andrew's too and as much as I loved Steven, I love our baby so much more.
But, if I could manipulate time, I would. I would have been there when he took his final breath. I would have been by his side. I would have held his hand. I would have prayed with him one last time. He wouldn't have been alone.

"People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives."  - J. Michael Straczynski